Written by Zoe Berry
How to be a Cat
Hello, my name is Gabby and I'm a cat of course. I have lived with humans for many years now and have decided to jot down the ten most essential things that a cat should know. Most cats naturally know these things but maybe it will be of some help to the young kittens out there. Follow these ten basic rules and you will become The Perfect Cat.
1. When it comes to food you can get your humans to bend over backward to please you. First you have to let them think that you are a fussy eater. This will make them try every type of cat food that is available on the supermarket and butcher's shelf.. One day just for fun, when they offer you something new, eat it with all the enthusiasm you can muster. Smack your lips together and purr very loudly. After that keep an eye on the pantry. I can guarantee that your human will rush out and buy a dozens tins or ten kilos of whatever it was you pretended to enjoy so much. Then when your human gives it to you again don't go within three feet of it. Sniff it from afar and then turn and walk away from it. This is a great joke to play on them.
2. Getting even with humans is fun too. If you are in the bad books for some slight misdemeanour and you want revenge here is a good tip for you. Just wait until your humans get some really important guests visiting. Then go to your litter tray and fill it with the biggest, smelliest whoopsie that you can possibly manage. This really isn't very ladylike but it's one of my favourites.
3. All cats like to throw up now and then, but it is important to know where to do it. Never do it on a vinyl or tiled surface or anywhere where it is easily cleaned up. Never do it in just one spot, make sure you walk around and do a little in several places. The best places are beds, chairs and carpet. If you can manage it, right next to the bed while your human is asleep is ideal. They really hate it when they hop out of bed in the morning and put their bare foot right on it.
4 . At all times make sure you get enough attention. Whatever your human is doing make sure you get in between them and what it is they are doing. For example; if they are reading the newspaper make sure you sit right in the middle of it, or better still get under it and roll on your back and kick it and bite it . If they are reading a book hop in between their face and the book and then rub the corner of your mouth over the corners of the book and put your bottom right in their face.. Any sort of craft work is fun. Offer to help by pushing around any bits and pieces with your paws and pounce on and kill any furry, woolly or just plain interesting items. Don't let them ignore you when they are writing. Bite the top of the pen to get their attention and if this doesn't work then just lie down on the paper. Computers are my favourite. I like to sit between the humans and the monitor, or sleep on the mouse mat, or simply walk back and forth over the keyboard. Printers are great too! Try catching the paper as it comes out.
5. If you sleep in your human's bed here are some handy tips. Save your grooming for your human's bed time. Give yourself a thorough washing for at least an hour. Sleep on their pillow right next to their face and purr loudly. Or take up as much as the bed as you can until they are sleeping on the outer ten percent of the bed. Alternatively, you can snuggle up to them as close as possible to prevent them rolling over. Never lie length ways on the bed, make sure you lie across it ensuring that you take up the greatest possible space.
6. Always anticipate where your human is going to walk and dart in front of them. Running between their legs as they walk is a great game, especially at night if they get up for a little nocturnal visit to the bathroom and don't switch the light on.
7. If your human has visitors make sure you check them all out. Decide which of the visitors dislikes cats the most (all cats instinctively know which humans don't like them) then go and sit on their lap and give them a good licking. Alternatively, if your owner wants to show you off to a visitor, go and hide under a bed and don't come out no matter how much your human calls you. You can also do this when a you detect that a visit to the vet for a nasty needle is imminent.
8. Watch your human carefully when they are sitting on a chair. The minute they get up to do some small task hop onto the chair, curl up and go to sleep immediately. The chair will be nice and warm. When the human returns to their chair, I have found more often than not that your human will not disturb you and they will find another chair to sit on. This is really good in multiple cat households. The cats have all the chairs and the humans sit on the floor or perch on the corner of coffee tables.
9. The best hours for play are just before dawn. The best games to play are; pouncing on anything that moves in your human's bed, galloping up and down the hallway or getting the wardrobe door open and climbing up the shelves knocking things down as you go. When you get hungry after this activity wake your human and ask for breakfast. Don't get too close to your human when you demand your breakfast. I have found that human's are in an unpredictable mood at this time of the morning.
10. Finally, give your human lots of love and cuddles, BUT, only when you want them. Follow your human around and demand cuddles and attention until they give you what you want. When your human wants a cuddle pretend you are far too busy with some other important activity like washing your face.